I am scared. More than that. I am terrified.
I am afraid of my feelings. I am afraid of my thoughts. I am afraid of my knowledge.
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of me. I am afraid of us.
I am afraid of the past. I am afraid of the present. I am afraid of the future.
I am afraid. I am so very afraid.
I am afraid of it all.
I am afraid of the truth. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of what's to come.
I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of hurting you.
I am afraid of forgetting. I am afraid of being forgotten.
I am afraid of going forward. I am afraid of going backward. I am afraid of staying here.
I am scared. I am terrified.
I am afraid of what I want. I am afraid of what I don't want.
I am afraid of what I have. I am afraid of what I will have. I am afraid of what I don't have.
I am afraid of what I've done. I am afraid of what I am doing. I am afraid of what I will do.
I am scared.
I am so very scared.
I don't want to be scared, but I am. I hate being scared.
I shouldn't be scared. But I am so scared.
I am so incredibly scared.

I cannot explain it. There are no words to describe it. It is surreal.

Never ceases to make my day.

Sleep deprivation is taking hold of me.

My mind has been blown.
Your thoughts are daunting.
Your ideas are so real that they are slightly terrifying.
Your mind is like nothing I've ever discovered.
It is astonishing.
It makes sense. It correlates with my sanity.
We are the sanest of the sane.
But the craziest are the sanest.
Are we crazed, or are we sane?

"We lie together. Smiling and holding on to each other, and the night, and the moment. We stare into each other's eyes and softly kiss speaking and saying more with the movement of our lips and the tips of our fingers than words will allow us to say. Words can't say this."
- A Million Little Pieces

I need to learn new words; words that will suffice.
Words that describe the way the world stops turning.
Words that describe the way everything ceases to exist.
Words to describe.
I need to learn new words; words that will suffice.

A separate dimension.

I am happy.
All the time, I am happy.
Every day, I am happy.
I
AM
HAPPY.

The deep orange luminance throwing ever changing shadows across your face. The flame illuminating various defined features of your figure. The crimson of the night burning all around me. Burning through my skin and into my being. A fire from the inside out. Passion seeping through my pores. The simultaneous feelings creating psychological paradoxes within my mind. Fast and slow, light and heavy, seeking and being sought. If only.

"And how even after you're gone, this feeling still lingers. You linger. Your touch. Your taste. Your presence."

Take your hands away from your face, so I can see everything you are and everything you used to be.

Passion.

Where does the finite end and the infinite begin?

I want to write about the world. The thought, however, startles me. The surrealism frightens me. The world is insignificant in the scheme of things. There is a vast universe out there; numerous universes. There are other dimensions. There are galaxies and black holes. There are intelligences that we couldn't even imagine. There is a realm of the unknown waiting to be revealed. There is more. There will always be more.

I want to live above time. I want to live without reason and without expectation. I want no standards or plans. I want to live anomalously. I want to forget the past and forget the future. I want to discover. Not land, not equations, not anything of the sort. I want to discover me. I want to discover the unknown. I want to discover you.

"I feel like I'm keeping you safe and I like that feeling."

Unbearable.

When you're out on that field, the world doesn't exist.
Time is lost; there is now only a whistle.
The sun beating down on your skin, or the rain dripping from your limbs.
The heat suffocating you, or the cold stinging you.
It is not only a game.
There is a sound barrier that begins on the sidelines and encompasses the perimeter.
There are no fans.
There is no nature.
Nothing exists outside of that field.
There is only a ball and a net.
There is only you.
There are only twenty-two girls, all wanting the same thing.
Pain is not a factor. Pain does not exist.
Exhaustion is forgotten.
Your body no longer recognizes it.
As your lungs swell and begin to burn, you push yourself harder.
You have tunnel vision, but you are aware of every girl out there.
Your heart thunders.
Not from movement, but from excitement.
You find strength you didn't even know you had.
You are not afraid.
You will do whatever it takes.
You are in a place of passion and fire.
You are in a place of red.
You will do whatever it takes.

Just come here.
Let me watch you.
Let me see you.
Let me know you.
Tell me your secrets.
Come closer.

"Mine"
One simple word.
One simple, real word.
One word that actually meant something.

I think we need to start working on getting at the source of your anger.

I look at him and I laugh and I stand up and I walk out of his Office.

The Halls are bright and the Fury inside of me wants them down full of holes reduced to rubble. I hate these fucking Halls I want to destroy them destroy myself destroy everything. I breathe deeply and I hold on and I walk toward the Unit. I want to go outside and I want to breathe free air. I want air that is not of this place and I want space that is not of this place. I want no walls, no Halls, no Units, no Counselors, no Rules, no God, no Higher Powers, no Steps, no Groups, no Lectures, no Dining Hall, nobody to see talk to deal with. I want to breathe. Free empty air. I walk through the Upper Level and I walk down to the Lower Level and through a Group Session Lincoln is leading and he asks me what I’m doing and I ignore him and I open the glass doors and I step outside and I breathe breathe breathe and the air is free.

I start walking. I have no idea where I’m going. I’m just walking. I take a Trail and I follow it and it leads me into the cover of the Evergreen. It’s darker in here and I feel less vulnerable and more comfortable. I am breathing deeply, as deeply as I can breathe, and the air is calming me down. The Fury has dissipated and is a walking rage, an anger like fire, entirely controllable, and easy to stop it from burning or hurting anything.

The Sun is high, its light shattered by tree branches, their streams illuminating dirt, dead leaves and rotting plants killed the Winter’s cold. Frost sparkles in the shade waiting to melt. In an hour it will be gone. In ten hours it will return. Another day another cycle here gone back tomorrow gone again. I am cold. Warmth is in the light but I avoid it. As I walk, I’ll get warmer. I’m in no hurry.

I follow the Trail and the Trail leads me along the Lake. The Lake is the same as it is each day the same. Sheets of ice, life below, birds above. Noise destroying silence, silence overwhelming noise. Reflections slowly move along the water distorting what is real the object or the image. They are both real and it is all real. It all is in front of me life is in front of me and behind me above me below me surrounding me. I can see it and feel it and hear it and touch it. Inside and outside. Right now.

A bench is empty. I sit down close my eyes open myself. I don’t know to what I am opening myself. Is it God or something Higher. It is me or what is around me. Does it matter do I need to know. It matters because it is what is keeping me together. This opening is allowing me to pick up the pieces of a shattered life. I need to believe in it to continue to believe in me. I need to know what it is. What is it that opens me.

I stand and I walk along the edge of the water until it ends in a Sea of yellow grass. The grass is dead now but will return in the Spring that is the way of the World. Things die and they return. Is that biology or God or something Higher. Are we biology or God or something Higher. I know my heart beats and I listen to it. The beat is biology, but what is the song. Will this song exist when the beating stops. Will one stay when one is gone, can one live without the other. Does it matter. It does. I have to believe in something. It is holding me together.

Up the Pine walk and across the murky desolation of swamp and rot and life existing because of death. Back down into dense Oak and Evergreen. The Sun is still hot and high its rays still scattered still dancing across the floor of the earth and my feet are moving easily. The Fury is gone, replaced with free air and the quiet emptiness of a solitary calm. I am quiet and empty. I am calm.

If there is anything I seek it is this. The calm. If there is a God or something Higher for me it is this. The calm. If there is something that will hold me when I need to hold it is this the calm. There is no anger, no rage, no Fury. There is no want no need no desire. There is no hatred no shame no regret. There is no grief, no sadness, no depression. There is no fear. Absolutely no fear. When one lives without fear, one cannot be broken. When one lives with fear one is broken before one begins to live. The calm I feel right now. What is it?

I am lost in the Woods but still on a Trail. I am seeking that which I have but will lose again. I have sought it before as a cure for my disease of myself. In a Church as a Child it did not come. I held my Parents’ hands and I felt nothing. Love only brought me loneliness and horror. In bottles and pipes I found emptiness and pain. At twenty-two after Jail and bond and flight I went back to a Cathedral where what I sought was calm. The calm did not come. I have it now. Without God. I have it now.

The Wood fades into brittle brown grass and a slope carries me to a point where I can see all that surrounds me. I can see trees and Woods and Swamps and Lakes and birds and animals and men and women and the Buildings of the Clinic and the Sky and whatever is beyond the Sky. I can hear the wind and water and the cries of flying birds and the screams of the Patients locked down and detoxifying. I can feel them and I can feel myself. I can feel the life in them and the life around me. I can feel it in the beating of calm of my heart. It is not God and it is not something Higher. This feeling of calm is of me, within me, from me and created by me. It is not God. It is not something Higher.

I sit and I stare at the World. I see it and I hear it and I touch it and I feel it. It is what it is, dirt and rock and water and Sun and air and waves of light and waves of sound made up of definable elements. It can be created or reproduced by man at will. Science has given us that power. There is no mystery to it. We can create it all in a laboratory. There is no mystery anymore as there was at the dawn of history when no one knew what or how or why. We have answers now. Answers that reveal truth. Truth is not God and it is not a Higher Power. There is no God. There is no Higher Power.

I let in it through the open of my calm. There is no God. There is no High Power. I let it in to the deep simple center of what I am which is biology and energy and a beating heart that sings in a language only I can speak. I let it in and it mixes and settles with the calm there is nothing else. I will not fight God anymore. I will not fight anything Higher. Fighting is an acknowledgement of existence. I no longer need to fight or acknowledge what I know is not there. There are still fights to be fought, and I will fight them, but not with the blind faith of a false conversion to a belief in that which does not, has not, will not ever exist, God or something Higher. I will fight with me, my heart, my will, myself, my song, I will fight with me. I may win, I may lose. It doesn’t matter either way. What matters is how I do it. There is no God and there is no such thing as a Higher Power. I will do it with me. Alone. I will do it with me.

- A Million Little Pieces

Things are beginning to make sense again.

I cannot find words to express this swelling in my chest right now.
I am in my calm. My breathing is shallow and light. My mind is at rest.
I want to show you. I want you to see what I see.
This is real. This is all real. This is reality.
I am in my calm, and this is real.

I fought in your, fought in your, fought in your, your war.
It's not a game, it's not a game, it's not a game to me.
I fought in your war, I fought in your war.
And I kept my mouth shut, I kept my mouth shut so good.

"A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us."

I have been startled.

My mind is at ease; more than ease, it is on standby. I am unfeeling to my surroundings. I am numb to all except my thoughts. I am in a disassociative state. I am not present, but I am here. I am trapped. The light has dissipated and dark has prevailed once more. I want to be illuminated from the inside out. I am barren today. I am dark today; hollow and impenetrable. Yet, your words penetrated. Words. Not words. Truth. They were not merely compiliations of vowels and consonants. They were not used only because they are known. They were simple. They were simple and they were honest. They were not only words. They were real. They were meant. Those words illuminated me.

Today.

The blanketed veil of the night muting our absolute thresholds. Cold encompassing warm, warm encompassing cold. Seeking and being sought. A night of no reins, just mere synapses of the brain.

'Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

Change is good. (:

I wish you knew what it means to me.

I'm missing you. It's as simple as that. It feels like I have weights tied to my limbs.
I'm missing the comfort of having you there at the end of the day. I'm missing how safe your arms were. I'm missing how nothing seemed wrong because you were going to be there in the morning. I'm missing having you. I'm missing everything being okay, as long as you were around. I'm missing not being alone. I'm missing your lips. I'm missing feeling things that no one else was lucky enough to feel. You made me safe. You made me happy. You made me comfortable. And I miss it.
I know I won't have you back. I know we will never be again.
I just miss you.
I miss you, and I miss us.
I miss being able to feel.

I am so low lately. I think it's because I am giving up. It's really sinking in now that we will never be again. It has been nearly three months now.. That's a fourth of a year. Yet, it isn't a long time. It's long enough, though, to make me realize. It's just not going to happen, and I truly know that. I still let you flatter me, when you want to. I still let myself reminisce. I still let myself wish. But I am finally beginning to accept that it won't happen. We will never have it back. The knowledge and realization is bringing me down. Sorrow is washing over me. It feels like nothing matters. I feel like I'm merely here, and that is all. I feel numb. This hole in my chest seems to keep growing, and the bigger it gets the more hollow I become.

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go.
Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love.
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.

I bet you don't even know what day it was.
Sometimes, thinking about it makes me so mad. It just makes me want to scream. Then it makes me want to cry. Then it makes me want to just walk away. But there's still that part of me that would give absolutely everything to be that lucky again.

My eyes well with tears. My throat constricts, and it hurts. My stomach is in knots. My eyes overflow and spill over. It is hot on my face. It instantly turns cold. The stream runs down my chin, but does not drip. It flows down my neck, slow but steady.

What is happening? I am so lost. I am scared, confused, stuck. Yet, I know. I don't want to do this anymore. I want it to just be over. I want to move away. I want to start over. I want to be someone else. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be reminded every day. I don't want to be reminded every where. I want to just be able to let go already. I started to. I started to, then I remembered everything. I started to, but I couldn't. It's too hard. I felt so much. I'm afraid to let it go, even though I know I can't have it back. I wish this were easier.

My throat burns, still. My breathing becomes uneven. My stomach hurts. My mind races. My lip quivers. My hands start to shake.

I want this to end. I want to go back. I want to go forward. I want it all back. I want to forget it all happened. I want to hold you. I want to run. I want to hope. I want to accept. I just want it to stop hurting. I either want to be done with it or to have it back. Anything to make these feelings stop.

I don't sleep anymore. I don't know why. I lie awake engrossed in my thoughts, wishing I could be asleep. I wake up at every hour and begin the cycle once more. It is taking a toll. I can't focus. I can't relax. I am constantly drained. All I want to do is sleep. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. I lie awake waiting for my alarm to go off. I hit snooze, and lie awake for fifteen more minutes waiting for it to go off once more. I feel lethargic. I need something to change. I go through the motions of each day, constantly checking the time. I get eager for the time to pass, but for what reason? I long for certain times, yet as soon as that time comes, I long for another time. It's a waiting game. Waiting for what? Each day is the same. It ends and I lie awake and think. Then I begin a new day, and it is a routine. What am I waiting for? I am watching the days pass as though they are nothing. I am hoping for something new every day. I am hoping to wake up and something to change. THIS to change. I wake up every day and remember how my days used to be. I used to have something to look forward to every day. Things are so different. It seems unreal to me. It can't be real. Things like this don't just happen. Things don't just fall apart like this. Things don't just end. I will wake up one day, and it will be different. I will wake up one day, and I will have it back. This is what I think. I know it won't happen. I consciously know that it will never happen. Yet, I subconsciously wait for it. It is all a waiting game. A false hope. I know I cannot wait any longer. But what happens when I stop waiting? I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. I feel like no matter where I turn, if I change my path, everything will fall. I will fall. I don't want to fall. I am either chasing a false hope, or I am falling. Which will it be.

Just when I think it's all coming together, it all falls apart.
I am torn between these paths.
I am stuck at a roadblock of confusion.
You say these words.
You say them and you know what they mean to me.
But they mean something else to you.
You occupy my mind only half of the time now.
When you do, I feel it all.
You don't see.
You don't feel.
I am exhausted.
I am drained.
I need something to change.
I need to get out of the in between.
I am faltering once more.
I have taken the wrong path.
It led me back to the start.
Now, here I am again.
Just trying to get through each day.
I see you everywhere.
In my thoughts.
In my dreams.
In my memories.
No one said it would feel this way.
I know what needs to be done.
I know I can't have what I want.
I know what I want isn't possible.
I know you don't want what I want.
I know I shouldn't want what I want.
But none of that makes it any easier.
It doesn't hurt knowing how you feel anymore.
It hurts knowing that it is no longer an option.
It hurts knowing that I have to let go.
One of these paths is false.
It is a trick.
It will only lead me back to the start.
I will not take that path again.

Nobody ever wants to be the reason someone else is hurt.
What about me?
That is what I want to know.

I'm so in love again
I'm walking endlessly
I'm wasting all my time
I hope you're listening
Write sometime soon
I miss the sight of you
I miss the way you move
I miss the pain you cause
I miss it all because
You made me feel

Starlight our local inspiration
and, Goodbye
I hope you had the best time tonight
Tonight, Tonight

Get up before my time
Go back to sleep again
Got nothing else to do
Than hope I dream of you
At least these dreams seem real
I'm going mad again
The TV makes me cry
I can't be here no more
I have so little time
To find my way

Another year, another memory. Add it to the list.
Where does the time go?
Write it down, record every moment.
Trace its path, remember its course.
Decipher the meaning, analyze too far.
Start back at step one, the new year has begun.

Let's compare and contrast.
Don't you see? There is no competition.
I am just me.

I could give a shit if you're scared.

I cannot understand my thoughts or desires.
Everything seems to be a diversion.
I'm lost.