You know I still wish for you.

I will miss you tonight.

My first tattoo

What is going on?
What am I doing?
I feel like my mind is turning in slow circles.
I feel like it's all beginning to fall apart.
I know what I want.
I know what I want.
I know what I want.
But how do I get it?
How can I have it and remain true to me?
How can I have it and keep what I have now?
How can I even begin to get it?
I know what I want.
I want what I want and I want what I have.
I want self reliance while I have what I want.
How can I have what I want and be the best I can be?
I will figure this out.

New Year's Resolution:

-Be self reliant

Let's jump start our lives and leave this town.

This is breathtaking.

And I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.

You told the truth. You let your walls down, and you told me what you were really thinking. You told me what you were feeling.
I was terrible to you. I lied to you.
I was a coward. I was too scared and too selfish to tell you.
I knew you needed to know. I knew you deserved better.
But I was selfish.
I ruined you. I ruined us. I was horrible.
I am ashamed. I am humiliated. I can't stand to think of what I did.
It hurts so bad to accept it, but I have.
You don't believe that, but it's true.
I regret it every day, still. After almost two years.
I hate myself for it.
I lied to you. I am a liar.
I hurt you. But I was too scared to fix it.
I chose myself over you.
Every day for over a year and a half, I hurt you.
I waited almost two years to tell you the truth.
I knew it hurt you.
I knew, and I still didn't fix it.
I was terrible.
Now everyone just sees that you left me.
But I deserved it.
That is what no one knows.
My blog is all about me missing you.
That's all they see.
They don't see how horrible I was.
They have no idea.
I betrayed you.
I deceived you.
I lied to you.
I hurt you.
I chose me over you.
You should have left me long before you did.
And I am sorry.
I am sorry for every time you asked and I didn't answer.
I am sorry for every day that I didn't just tell you.
I am sorry for every time I lied.
I am sorry for every time you worried.
I am sorry for ruining honesty for you.
I am sorry for showing you what dishonesty is.
You deserve so much better than that.
And I know that you will find it.
I am so sorry.

And I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.

I am at a loss for words.

This whole not having any expectations deal is working quite well.

I was not haunted by my unconscious mind last night.

There is a big difference between giving something away and having something taken from you. When you give something away, you are in control. You are willing. You know what you are doing. You are aware that you won't ever have it back. You expect it. You know it will happen. You haven't lost anything. When something is taken from you, you search for it. You fight for it. You will do anything to get it back. This is mainly because you weren't ready. You weren't expecting it. You weren't willing to let it go. You were blindsided. You had it in your grasp one day, and the next it just wasn't there. You don't have any control. So you strive to get it back. Yet, there always comes a day when you just accept that it was taken. There comes a time that you give up; that you finally, willingly let it go.

I am finding happiness within myself.
I am finding happiness within life as it is,
Rather than life as it could turn out.
I am finding satisfaction in the simplicity.
I am content with what I have currently,
Rather than what I could acquire.
I am finding wonderful things.
Things like
Truth,
Purity,
Honesty,
Reality,
The mere existence of what is real.
Things beyond expectations.
I am finding the world within the world.

I want to write. I long to get lost in the world of words and phrases. I have so much to say, but I have nowhere to begin. My mind is a mass of confusion. My thoughts tangle and disperse. My feelings diffuse through my body like a slow moving adrenaline; an invigorating molasses. I am caught inside my head, and I can see no way out. These desires startle me; I cannot make sense of them. Am I crazed? Or just human? At times, all I can do is remember. Yet, at other times, it's as though I'll never remember again. I've lost all logic. I've found truth within the lies. I'm removing myself from mind games and heart games; from games all together. I am living in a world where things are what they are. Words are words, and nothing more. Simultaneously, words are everything. Words are feelings. Words are expressions. Words are revelations. Words are everything if you mean them. Otherwise, words are just lies. If only it were that easy to decipher. Maybe it is. I would like to believe so. I feel as though I'm learning this; slowly but surely. I'm also being exposed to real words. Words with meaning. Words with truth. I am hesitant, but I am willing. I am terrified, but I am careless. I am becoming.

How patient are the sounds,
How serene are the feelings.

Thank you Anna <3

Ohh, how lovely are the distractions (:

Hello feeling I haven't felt in a while,
What a nice surprise.

(: Hmm.

Regretregretregret.

You suddenly complete me.

The walls, the walls are coming down.
The here and now are coming 'round.

After months of its absence, the feeling of happiness is quite lovely.

True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist;
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm dreaming.

I accidentally pulled up old pictures of us on my phone,
And seeing them didn't hurt.
Times are changing.

Is it too late to lose in faith in everything working out right?

I am done with myself.
I am not going to look back any longer.
My heart is still in pieces, but it will grow back together.
I will fill this hole in my chest soon enough.
I will not be a part of the equation.
Because I had my chance.
I've never seen you this happy.
And I want you to remain this happy.
I know I cannot make you feel that way.
It is beyond the point of going back.
It is beyond the point of hoping.
I will stop hoping.
I will stop wanting.
I will stop wishing.
I have finally received what I have wanted for the past two years; your happiness.
I will not jeopardize that.
I will be thankful.
I will stop being ungrateful.
I will be happy for you.

You are in my dreams every night.
I wake up at all hours.
I wake up to reality.
I wake up and check my phone, just in case.
I try to go to back to sleep.
But I can't.
I lie awake and I think about the dreams.
I lie awake and I hate my mind for unconsciously creating them.
I stare at my ceiling with my stomach in knots.
I lay there wanting to shut off my brain.
I hate my dreams.
But I hate reality more.

I still can't be shared.
I got you in my heart,
To make this all harder.

Late last night I heard the screen door slide.
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away.
Now, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Today would have been our day.
It would have belonged to us.
I would have taken you out, or made you a card, or done something stupid and cute for you.
But not anymore.
Now, today is just another day.
It is just another cycle.
It is just another routine.
Here, gone, back, tomorrow, gone again.
It is just one more interval of time consisting of me merely going through the motions.
Today is unremarkable, although it once was.
Today is a day, and nothing more.

When I look in your eyes now, they are different.
There are things within them that weren't there before.
There is life.
There is happiness.
There is no longer despair.
There is no longer worry.
Not anymore.
I've never seen them so bright.
I've never seen them so beautiful.
And it reminds me of why this is right.

Today is the first time that I saw you with her and it didn't hurt.

I really can't stay
Baby, it's cold outside.
I've got to go away.
But, baby it's cold outside.

I look outside, and snow is falling.
I walk out into the night.
The wind bites at my face.
But I am not cold.
White flecks flutter to the ground.
And I miss you.
Unexpected tears well in my eyes.
Because you are supposed to be outside with me.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
Because we danced in this.
Tears drip from my chin.
Because this reminds me of our love.
Hot tears turn cold.
Because I am in love with a memory.

I wish you were still around to dance with me.

I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

And when it all comes down to it..

You are most beautiful.

I miss you.

Today,
it is you.

Yesterday, a chalkboard in NoDa asked:
"What inspires you?"
I wrote:
"Her."

Is that okay?
Is that bad?
I'm so confused about my feelings.
I'm confused about whether this is normal.
I don't know how to feel.
I only know how I do feel.

I know I will be okay.
I know this will pass.
I know that I will find happiness again.
I know that things will be better.
I know I can do this.
I know I will do this.

But that doesn't mean that I don't wish.
It doesn't mean that I was ready.
It doesn't mean that I want this to happen.
I wasn't ready to move on.
I wasn't ready for life without you.
I don't want to move on, not without you.
I don't want things to have to get better.

I know time will keep going.
I know the seasons will keep changing.
I know that life will go on.
I just wish it were with you.

That is what no one understands.

It isn't that I don't think I can do it.
It isn't that I don't think I'll be happy again.
It isn't anything of the sort.
It is that I want it to be with you.
It is that I'm going through the motions of each day with a hole inside my chest.
It is that I gave my heart to you, and I'm not ready to take it back.
It is that I lost the most important person in my life.
It is that I am barren.

You are marvelous.
When I said that you will always be my best, I meant it.
When I said I will always care for you, I meant it.
When I said I will always be here, I meant it.
When I said you're the most beautiful being I've encountered, I meant it.
When I said I will love you forever, I meant it.
Do not doubt these things.

I will move on.
I will let go.
I will be happy.

I will not forget.
I will not regret.
I will not pretend.

I just wish it were all with you.

You were the best.
They weren't just words.
I hope you don't regret it.
I hope you can look back and smile every now and then.
Regardless of the how bad the bad times were,
We were good.
I wish you happiness.
I wish you love.
I hope we both benefit from this.
It was all worth it.
<3
I will never forget 8.15

You aren't who I thought you were.

I try to forget.
I try to act like you don't exist.
It makes my stomach turn to think of you.
It physically hurts to see you.
How did it come to this?

I used to walk these halls hoping that I would pass you.
I used to rush to see you for those two minutes between classes.
Now I walk these halls hoping that I don't pass you.
Now I rush to class so I don't see you.

I used to lie awake thinking of you, smiling to myself.
Now I lie awake thinking of you, cursing myself.

I never thought that these feelings would be related to you.
I never thought there would be a day that I did everything I could to not think of you.
I never thought that I wouldn't want this anymore.
Well, I never thought a lot of things, but reality always prevails.

It gets easier every day.
It gets harder every day.
It hurts less every day.
It hurts more every day.
You occupy my mind less every day.
You occupy my mind more every day.
I miss you less and less every day.
I miss you more and more every day.

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

I want to forget everything.
I want to get in a car and I want to leave.
I don't want to come back.
I want to forget it all.

I am living in a serene distraction.
I am swiftly dodging reality.
Reality deceives me at times.
It intrudes onto my path.
I hit it, head on.
It encompasses me.
It carries me.
I begin to feel it.
I feel it rushing through my veins.
I feel it pumping into my heart.
I feel it, like lead.
I feel it weighing me down.
It projects images in my mind.
I see past the surface.
It takes me down into the depths.
I see truth.
I feel it weighing me down.
It clouds my eyes.
It fills up my stomach.
My lead-filled heart sinks to the floor.
My lead-filled stomach sinks to the floor.
My lead-filled mind sinks to the floor.
All in conjunction with my limbs.
They all rest on the floor.
For, reality has brought them down.
I have never felt so low.

ANYBODY can say things.
Anyone can compile words and phrases.
But not many people can mean them.
Not many people are willing to DO something.
They are all willing to SAY something.
But when it comes to following through, proving, or acting them out.. They all falter.
I'm tired of meaningless words.

I feel stupid, at best.
I feel silly for my words and my actions.
I feel dumb for my feelings.

I am going to rest assured that I need only myself.
I am going to be content with me.
I am going to be better than I have been.
I need myself, and that is all.
I will be self reliant.
I am self reliant.
And I will remain self reliant.

Seeing that, that one simple moment, reminded me of everything.
That mere instance reminded me of why I don't want this.