I'm sinking a pit of quick sand.
I'm swimming in a sea of confusion.
I'm falling into an abyss of loss.

When did it all fall apart? Why didn't I see it?
Why wasn't I prepared?

How did a year of happiness just get thrown away?
It was so abrupt; as if I'd walked head first into a wall.
I've lost you now, for good..

I'm sorry for causing this.
I'm sorry for letting it get this far.
I'm sorry for everything.

You were so good to me.
You were such a great girlfriend.
You are, and always will be, the most beautiful person I know; inside and out.

You made me so happy.
You gave me the best memories I have.
You were everything.

Thank you for that.
Thank you for everything.

I won't forget you.
I won't forget us.

August 15, 2009 <3

I feel as though I'm living a parallel universe.
Not living, just going through the motions in this separate reality.

This can't be happening, it just doesn't make any sense.
What happened?

I'm not ready for this.
It's sinking in now, you know, that I've lost you.
You're happier, which makes me glad.
But it's killing me.

I'm lonely without you.
No matter how many people I'm around, or how many people care.
I'm lonely without you.

I don't understand how in the matter of a week..
A whole year and a half's worth of memories, and laughs, and kisses, and nights, and love
can just end.
I reminisce constantly.

I pick up my phone, and I start to dial your number.
I hang up, and the times that I don't, I immediately regret it.

I type sweet things, or how I'm feeling.
I delete it, and the times that I don't I immediately regret it.

I know you don't want to know these things.
But they're true..
And how I feel matters too.
It does to me at least.

I wish you knew how much you mean.
I wish you knew how much of my mind you occupy, constantly.
I wish you knew how much I care.
I wish you knew.

You don't realize how truly happy you are until it's taken from you.

I miss you.

What happened to this being like "Ten Days"?

What happened to us?

What happened to our world?

I miss you.
I miss us.
I can't go five seconds without you in my mind.

I'm hurt.
I'm in pain.
I'm upset.

This wound is still fresh.
It is still raw.

It hurts more everyday.
The healing process is the hardest part.
But I know I have to get through it, for you.

This isn't how it was supposed to be.
I know that I caused it..
But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I act like I'm okay, for your sake.
People say that they're proud of me.
For being so strong.
I hate it.

My stomach turns.
My throat constricts.
I feel as though I might get sick.

I want to leave.

I want to run.
I want to turn and forget all of this.

I never want to forget you.
I never want to forget what we had.
I want to forget this, right now.

I still love you.
I still care for you.
I still want to be with you.
I still miss you.
I still think of you constantly.
I still get excited at the end of the day because I think I get to see you.
I forget that isn't how it is anymore.

When will I get through this?

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason
You were in the world

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed
Was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always want to know what I was all about
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset

I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
Because it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see

Basically I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish you knew when I said two sugars
Actually I meant three

I'm losing it.

I'm breaking down.

I knew it would happen.
I knew.

The floodgates have opened.
Why can't I close them?

I've been dwindling on the edge,
And now I have come too close.

I can't do it.

Life as we know it?

What does that even mean?

Nickels, dimes, quarters and hundred dollar bills.

Life as we know it consists of constant paradoxes and ambiguity.
It consists of unfulfilled expectations resulting only in disappointment.
It consists of irrevocable divisions and boundaries that have no explanations.
Life as we know it is a boundless competition that restricts us to the most minuscule of ways.
It is an ever-changing rough draft of ourselves.
It is the most unoriginal concept one can fathom.

So when life as we know it is forgotten... I will be thankful.
For I cannot wait until the day that life as I know it begins.

Life as I know it consists of shelves upon shelves of books.
Paperback, hardback, and my own novels themselves.
It consists of cloud filled skies inviting me into the world of self-reliance.
It consists of the crunch of a dead leaf and trees reaching beyond the limits.
It consists of solitude and good company and soaring birds.
Life as I know it is mortal.
It is simple.
It is beautiful.
It is mine.

Life as I know it consists of hope beyond hope.
Life as I know it consists of me.

And I own the sky.

I keep thinking of you, you're on my mind

for the 57,000 time this morning.

Why do you constantly occupy my mind?
My thoughts are torturing me.
I guess after 14 months of being with someone, and about 11 months living with them
you can relate just about anything to them.
Is it a curse or a blessing?

I don't know how to act anymore.
I don't know what is right or what is wrong.
I don't know how I should feel.
But I know how I do feel, and what I do want.
I would like to believe that it's okay for me to feel this way and want these things.
But I know I'm wrong.
I know it isn't what you want.
I wish I could fast forward to 2 months from now..
Maybe then we could be together.
I could skip all of the anxious days.
I could skip all of the realization and longing.
But maybe I need all of that.
Maybe I need to miss you to realize what I'm really missing.
I just hope it's sooner that I realize than later.

You made my day today. I know I don't have to tell you that for you to know.
That first kiss sent a whirlwind of emotion raging through my body.
My heart beat a hundred miles per hour.
My stomach was in my toes.
A smile spread across my lips.
I was irrevocably happy.
We had a good day together. Eating, laughing, kissing, watching, loving.
It was definitely a very happy moment for me.
I never wanted it to end.
On the way home I got sad.
I thought about how, regardless of how good of an afternoon we had, we weren't together.
That wasn't going to change..
You don't want that to change.
You want to be away from me.
That was the hardest part.
Besides the goodbye.
My eyes welled with unexpected tears.
I was trying so hard to hold back but I couldn't get the thought out of my head.
I didn't want to say goodbye, ever.
I took a moment to compose myself while you circled the culdesac to leave.
I walked up to your window after you'd stopped in front of my drive way.
I leaned in and you kissed my nose.
Over and over and over again.
You kissed my lips.
I kissed back.
I breathed in and my senses swam with your smell, your familiarity.
I reached in and held you. I didn't want to let go.
I told you I'd get you back.
I don't know if this is true. But I want it to be.
I love you. That won't change.

On October 6 we said goodbye.
It's only October 8, now.
I miss you more every hour.
I can't go less than 5 minutes without thinking of you.
When I do think of you I first get happy, just because that's how I felt for over a year..
Then I remember, I realize.
I begin to feel as if my stomach is dropping.
It's as if there is a fifty pound weight in there, and that weight is burning me.
I have instances when I have an overwhelming urge to kiss you, to hug you, hell to just touch you.
I've never explained these instances to you, but they're the ones that would initiate those random kisses that you hated.
I'm trying to keep my chin up.
I'm trying to find a bright side.
But there isn't one.
I know this is best for you.. but I also know that there are two sides to a relationship.
And all of this is mine.
I wish we could have worked.
I wish none of this would have happened.
I wish I could have kissed you one last time.
I wish I could have hugged you, and whispered I love you.
I wish I could have felt your warmth against me one last night.
I wish I could have at least said good bye.
I wish I didn't have to say it.
I wish.