This is how it feels with you.

I have the world in my palm. I am sitting where the land ends and the sky begins. Beauty is in all that my eyes encounter. My mind is turning inside out. It is capturing these wonders; committing them to memory for a later date. Confused and bruised by existence, we are all strangers to this place.

I want to hold onto this feeling. I want to stay in this tranquility. I am safe here in this calm. All is right, even if all is wrong. This is how things are meant to be. This is the way we're to supposed to see.

And if my heart should somehow stop.
I'll hang on to the hope that you're not too late.

Way out in the water, see it swimming?

The cold bites at my exposed skin. The rain feels like small needles pricking my face. The feeling in my hands is beginning to be lost. I pull my arms around myself trying to keep my own body heat. I am walking through this dreary day with no recognition of what is in front of me. I do not see my surroundings. Instead I am engrossed in my mind; turning with the thought of you.

I can't sleep. My brain won't turn off. My thoughts churn, unwillingly. How did I let myself get this far? You'd think I'd learned by now. The road I'm on, it has diverged into two; which do I proceed? Do they both merge back into one? Or do I make a path of my own? Why do I feel like I'm falling? Why do I feel like I've lost my senses? Maybe I should lose my senses. Maybe then I'd know what to do.

Tears stream down your face, and I...
Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.

I'm so tired of subjecting myself to this. Naivete will be the death of me.

I can't keep up with your turning tables.
Under your thumb, I can't breathe.

Frustration is swimming through the web of my thoughts. It is disconnecting all of the strands. Cutting them so I cannot think correctly. It is exhausting me. I am exhausted. I am confused by my motives. Why does it have this effect on me? I was in control. I was composed. It somehow slipped through the cracks in my walls. Now you are in my haven. You are here and you won't fit back through the faults through which you came. You are unknown, but you are comfortable. Your presence scares me. Not your presence but your absence. I don't want you to go. You could be safe here; safe with me.

What am I doing?

Your shirt was damp and you smelled of spring. Your body heat radiated towards me, but your hand was cold against mine. I wanted you to stay. I want you to stay.

Today, I am stuck at a window looking into my life. I want so badly to be a part of it, but I am merely an onlooker. I am pounding on the glass, trying to force my way in. No one hears my fists. No one turns to let me in. My hands, red and swollen sink to my sides. I am forced to remain here, on the outside. All I can do is watch as the time passes.

This music, it haunts me. It engulfs me. I am one with this serenity. The melodies are taking me away. I want them to take me away. I open my eyes, but I see everything that is not ordinary. Seeking out those things unsought. My mind is an empty slate. My body is liquid; mellifluous with the sounds. I want to stay in this moment where I am safe. Keep me safe.

I opened this page with the intention of writing something powerful, something moving, something profound. Instead, I sit here staring at a screen dominated by negative space wondering how I could begin to put this whirlwind down on paper. I had no intention of writing about me or my feelings, but about the world and what lies beyond what our vision encompasses. I intended to write about the beauty and fascination of existence. Instead, I find myself wanting to write about the new beauty I have discovered and the fascination that is unfolding before me. It is daunting and mysterious. I am afraid of it, yet I am inevitably drawn towards it. I know it will change me. I know it is powerful, it is moving, it is profound. I know that after exposing myself to this beauty and fascination, I will not be the same. I will have been inspired. My mind broadened, my ideals evolved, my feelings strengthened. The possibility of this discovery scares me, but it does not prevent me from the desire. I want to discover. Give me that chance. Maybe not now, or not soon, but allow me to have that chance when the time feels right.

Being at that factory today reminded me of you. The smell of oil and machinery. It's a smell of sweat and hard work. You used to come home smelling like that every day. It was bittersweet. The comfort of a father, then the realization that I don't have one.
Sometimes it feels like you've passed. I miss you, but you aren't coming back. I only miss the idea of you, though, because I never really had you.

Life is so complex that it becomes simple.

When there is no need for effort, you only leave room for happiness.

Sometimes, things just happen. There is no reason or explanation. There is no warning or instruction. They just happen and you can't stop them. These are the things that you just let come. You don't try to control them or change them. You just enjoy them because these are the things that are meant to be enjoyed; not over analyzed, avoided, or questioned.

Unsought happiness is the most powerful.

Things are beginning to change.

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."

A new perspective is emerging.

After I sleep, I think. I don't like to think. So, I just don't sleep; that's when everything makes sense again.

Words don't sink, they swim.

There is a hurricane within me, and all I want is to find the calm.

I am confused. I know I miss you, but when I try hard enough to convince myself otherwise...I don't feel it.

I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for, but I can't wait until I find it.

Goodbyes are hard. Thinking of how graduation will probably be the last time I see you brings immediate tears to my eyes. Thinking that I won't get to kiss you again. That I won't fall asleep in your arms...Sorrow washes over me. I hope you know that you're beautiful. I hope you know that you're remarkable. I hope you see it every morning when you wake up. I hope you see it the way I do. Through these tears, I am smiling. Smiling because you showed me happiness. Smiling because even though it's over now, it was so wonderful then. I am so glad for you. I am so glad that you have found something new. I am so glad that you are happy. That's all I've wanted. Yes, I do reminisce. Yes, I do still wish it were with me. But in the end, I am happy for you. I wouldn't change this. I am still smiling. This is the worst kind of sorrow. The sorrow that you can't be sad for. The sorrow that you can only be glad for. I love you. I hope that I meet you again later in life. I hope I meet you again in my next life. Maybe then I could show you. Smiling at my tears, I say a mental goodbye.
I wonder if you feel it.

I want to get away. I don't want to go as a means of running away anymore. I want to go as a means of discovery. I want to leave all of this behind. I want to explore. There's so much more than what I've seen. I want to go and I want to see new cities and new landscapes. It's like falling in love. It is falling in love, but with something that can't hurt you.

I just want you.

I wish I would wake up tomorrow morning and it would all be different.

Asdfkfdskfj.

What is there to lose?

Every day, I visit this part of my mind. Every day, I sit here and drown. It's been five fucking months. Five months of four weeks. Five months of four weeks of seven days, and every single one of those days I have visited this part of my mind. Every individual day has twenty four hours of sixty minutes of sixty seconds. Five months of four weeks of seven days of twenty four hours of sixty minutes of sixty seconds filled with memories, desires, wishful thinking, realization. Every day, I go back. Every day, I am thrust forward. Every day, the same realization comes. Every day, it hurts more. Every day, it becomes more real.

Why do I do this every time?

You said I was right, even if you did, I was leaving.
What you don't know is that if you asked me to stay, I wouldn't board that plane. I wouldn't ship my furniture. I wouldn't pack my bags. If you gave me a reason, I'd stay.
I wish I had a reason not to go.

I remember the way that you move,
You're dancing easily through my dreams.
It's hitting me harder and harder with all your smiles.
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss.

It is beginning to sink in. Regardless of the extent or truth of my feelings; regardless of how real it is; regardless of how many words are said; it isn't going to happen. Who am I trying to fool?

If only you knew.

Every day, I feel like you are becoming further and further away from me, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that no matter where I am or what I'm doing or who I'm with, you are in the back of my mind. All I know is that if I could try again, I would do it right.

If you could meet me halfway.

If love exists, then this...This is it.

The difference this time is that I didn't have to disappear.

I had a dream last night that I saw a shooting star.

"I'm not sure how to begin this.
There is too much.
You came to my house, sat at a table
outside. The world changed.
I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
I don't remember meeting in person.
I kept my mouth shut; I wanted you
and you do not deserve that.
It was time to leave.
We promised to remain close;
I never heard from you again,
and now everything is different."

This reminds you of us leaving for college.
This reminds me of us now.

Just when I start to be okay...You draw me back in.
But you don't want this. So why do I want it so bad?